Gingers Extinct By 2060?

Growing up as a Ginger was tough. At 13 years old being teased for the color of my hair, fair skin, and freckles was hard at the time. Living in California; Land of the Tan and Blonde, wasn't pleasant for a Ginger.  In my high school there was only about 4 other Gingers in the whole school. (and dying you're hair red wasn't big at the time.)

Being told to get a tan or that freckles made my skin look dirty were just a few of the comment that still to this day I hear from people. Okay, hear this people. Redheads don't tan! They burn! And for me when the burn peals off it's the same white skin underneath. Now days, I'm more than willing to tell people to F*** off when they feel the need to comment about my fare skin. But at 13 years old I didn't have half that courage to speak up.

You'd think that by now with all the skin cancer talk, people would wise up. As a Ginger I can even get burned from overcast. In the summer I slather SPF 50 on my skin daily. Beach outings usually require a hat, long sleeves, and pants.(Because having to put sunscreen on several times throughout the day can be slightly annoying. And even then there's a chance of burning.)

 I remember one experience while at a store a fellow Redhead came up to me. And with out a word from me she smiled and said, "Someday, you'll love your beautiful red hair." How she knew, I can only assume, she too likely grew up being teased about her hair also. Having a beautiful, vibrant haired, fair skinned woman encouraging me to accept what I viewed as cursed hair was a wake up call that years later would ring true.

Today, I am grateful for my red hair and fair skin. It's different and makes me stand out in a crowd. As a teenager I wanted to blend in and couldn't, but as an adult I have no desire to blend in. Being different makes people remember me at a interview, or in a crowd I'm easily found. Also 4 of my children had red highlights in their hair which was the cutest thing on a kid.

Recently, I heard it was suggested that redheads will be extinct by the year 2060. Less and less Gingers are being born. I hope that this doesn't happen, because redheads remind us visually of one thing, be different. Whether the public realizes it or not, redheads teach people about acceptance and being unique is about accepting our true selves.

Simplifying for now...

With the kids off for summer break I've had to make a few changes. Instead of writing on both blogs. I'll only be posting on one blog each week. I'll be switching between the two blogs for now. At least until September when school is back in session. Go to

ReGeneration Series: Deleted Scenes, Untold Stories, and Character History for a current blog post.

Family Drama: Choosing to be Happy instead of Being Right

Everyday we make a choice whether we're aware of it or not. Most people, myself included have fallen into a repetitive trap we struggle to get out of, once we've realized we're in it. The trap is deciding that we're right, no matter the consequences. Being right or being happy is that trade off.


The way I've fallen into this trap is with my siblings. As a 37 year old woman, time and time again I find myself unable to handle being around them. Growing up in a large family as one of the youngest I have always struggled to be heard. (Probably why I'm a writer.) Being told to shush or grow up by my older sibling has been the norm for me. However, in the last seven years I have begun to speak up and stand my ground to be heard.

Unfortunately, it's come at a price. I've been labeled as a trouble maker. Instead of listening to the little sister who's now not afraid to speak up a full blown war has begun. The sibling rivalry has changed into an all our battle for power. Party because I won't cower to them any longer and partly because I allowed them to dominate over me for far too long.

I realize I created my situation by allowing them to speak for me at family meetings and functions. Not saying anything when I don't agree with their views or keeping quiet instead of standing up when criticism was given. Usually, I would suppress any of the anger I was feeling towards them. Seven years ago for reasons unknown to me I no longer could suppress it any longer. Instead of dealing with it in a healthy way I began exploding and leaving bitter feeling of resentment all over. So, now being aware of the problem and want things to change.  I now have to find a better path for myself.

As you already know I believe in change and with that change I've decided I don't need to be right, I'd rather be happy. In order to make a difference I'm moving forward and learning better coping skills for dealing with family members. Especially, the control freaks who feel they need to tell me how to live. I don't like being controlled, which stems from being in an abusive first marriage. (Only around some, do I get sucked down into this negative and toxic cycle of destructive behavior.)

In my family there are only three who are the big hitters, who are the dominating ones, that must be right at all costs. The rest of the siblings are willing to listen and take others feelings into account. Realizing this I know that for now I'll have to stay away from them until I've learned some very strong coping skills. 

Instead of dealing with the hard hitting family members, I'm going to work with those that are less contentious and troubling. Baby steps. The progress will most likely be slow and bumpy, but I'm willing to try. I'm not expecting everything to be prefect or that we'll all end hugging it out, but we may start building some  boundaries that we can work with.

Families can bring so much drama and heartache. Since I'm on this journey right now, I would love to know how others out there have learned how to deal with family drama. What are the skills that have worked? How would you handle family contention?

Guest Spot Jamie McCormick

Today's blog is inspired by another type of rebel. Jami McCormick is a creative strategist whose blog Jamiemacthinks.blogspot.com is an inspiring reminder that encouragement is a beautiful gift anyone can give and actually showing it to others can prove to be productive. 

  

Get Your Encouragement & Validation On

In jest, I mashed up a couple lines from The Birdcage for a Facebook post yesterday: “Is it too much to ask for one hint of encouragement, one scrap of validation?” In all sincerity I was kidding.  I was met with two types of responses: Jokes and serious advice and concern for my need for support. Okay, after I had a good laugh – I took a moment to pause and think about our innate human need for encouragement and validation. I have no answer as to why we need it and I am not willing to seek out research to support that statement. You’ll just have to take my word for it.

Most of us with some modicum of a soul have a need for said encouragement and validation. It doesn’t matter if it is for an academic achievement, professional stone stepping or what what’s from our partner. We need it. It is important to communicate with the people around you when you recognize what they are doing or what they mean to you. With my kids, for instance, no matter how much they try to drive me to the brink of mental destruction, when they do something good or need a reminder that they are loved – I dish it out family style.

In a professional capacity, I make it a point to give credit where credit is due. I think it is safe to say that most of us feel like we work way too hard for what we earn, so professional kudos are exceptionally important. Even our friends, family and random strangers need a boost now and again. The key is to learn when it is needed. If you say to someone every day, “You’re doing a great job,” as you pass by their workspace without noticing what it is they are actually doing, it becomes disingenuous and let’s face it, meaningless. There’s a little bit of work involved in recognizing the need for accolades and acknowledgement in others. It’s called being engaged in the process.

Blowing smoke up someone’s proverbial arse isn’t going to help anyone; it will eventually make you look like a clueless idiot. So, how do we become engaged in the process of encouraging and validating the people in our sphere? Most important is opening up some dialogue and listening. Talk to the people around you, figure out what they are doing – follow their progress (not like a stalker, just pay attention). If your BFF is posting her progress as she works toward a fitness goal on Facebook, read her posts. You don’t have to respond to each one but when you do; give up well thought out words of encouragement.

Now, we all know I don’t give out relationship advice publicly; it’s just not my forte. I will say this about that though, especially in an increasingly visible society, where our laundry both dirty and clean may end up being seen by hundreds if not thousands and millions of curious eyes– for crying out loud, let the person in your life know they mean more to you than some semi-anonymous individual hailing from the Cloud. I have several friends complaining about this very thing. It just isn’t that hard to say somebody means something to you without making a public display of it. Mind you, I am someone who even after being in a relationship for a year and a half never changed my status on my Facebook. I’m sure there was a little subconscious sting in that for my partner. I learned my lesson and may do different if a next time rolls around.

To bring this thing to a close, this week I am going to do a better job of recognizing when someone near me needs a pat on the back or just a nod to their importance in my life. For you, maybe you will pick one or two people that you can offer some validation and/or encouragement to. Open up your listening ears and focus those reading eyes. Get engaged in what the people around you need. Believe it or not, that goodness will come back to you tenfold. Best for a week of being the support in someone else’s life and feeling good about the contribution you make to their successes.

Life Lessons from the Wash

Today was my oldest's high school graduation. I guess I should be sentimental about the mile stone, but then again that wouldn't be me. Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for all the work she's set forth and for all she's accomplished in her life, but talking about the way she use to be isn't really my style. For me it's about enjoying the moment.

Of course, I think about the fact that she use to be a kid, but dwelling on it and mourning it like it's a loss isn't my way of living. I raised her to be independent. From the age of 5 my children start doing their own laundry. It may sound extreme, but it's been my experience that they do it well even at such a young age. Separating their clothes into piles, having them fill the washer is all part of the process. (Typically, I help with the measuring of the soap and spotting the stains, until they're use to it.) Switching the clothes from the washer to the dryer and folding them is also sanctioned as their job.

I think having them start so young has also makes them feel comfortable with accomplishments. Yes, even laundry can teach a child a few things about life.

Lesson 1: If you want something done, do it yourself. If your clothes are dirty, get up and clean them. This can also translate into being in control of your own life. How it turns out is completely up to yourself. 

Lesson 2: Mistakes are inevitable. Over filling the washer, missing a stain on a shirt, or dying your white underwear pink, cause it got washed with your new shirt, can be teaching moments. ( I did this in 6th grade.) Lucky for me, dying my undies wasn't too tragic, but learning to live with pinkish underwear was my reminder, taking a little extra time, just to be safe, is always worth the effort.

Lesson 3: Knowing you have, the know how. Sometimes, when we don't think we can, we find out, we really can. Showing them how to do it on their own can lead them towards trying something new on their own.  For me, knowing I'm crafty has helped me try several different projects. The latest was gluing a tear in a leather couch, after hearing how expensive it would be to repair. (cough, cough) And having accomplished so much in the past like; laying some bricks, build a corsage, and mending a torn sweater all helped me realize that fixing a couch wasn't so far out of my comfort zone.

I feel even the smallest life lessons, like children doing their own laundry or having a cooking night (another one, we regularly implement around here.) can be some of the simplest ways we teach our children about the bigger world beyond home life.

"The Corsage"

A Jack-of- all-trades is also a huge part of being a mom. Getting sucked into the idea that we have to do it all can be a slippery slope, because usually we're doing it all. Baking cookies with sprinkles, decorating ornate cupcakes, throwing a themed party, mending a tear in their favorite shirt is only scratching the surface of the job description for being a mom. Lucky for me I've always been crafty, which has saved our family tons of money. Having five children makes me always searching for a good deal and a cheaper way. However this time I didn't end up saving much money, but am able to personalize my daughter's prom corsage and boutonniere. (Next time around I'll have everything and will actually be saving money.)

Pausing for a moment from the writing as I demonstrate the step by step process of making corsages.

Step 1:

Get all the Stuff!

Floral wire, Floral tape, ribbon, wrislet, floral spays, tin snips, wire cutters, and flowers. (Corsage box & crinkled paper.)

Step 2:

Start making all the fillers.

I spray painted the beads black.

Wrapped a few flowers and ribbons with wire and floral tape.

Wrapping the flowers or ribbons with wire gives them the ability to be flexible and stand upright. The floral tape hides the wire and also will stick to it's self as it stretches.

Step 3:

Tape some together.

 I test out different accents together until I get the exact look I'm wanting. When I have them picked out I start wrapping the floral tape around the the two stems until they're completely covered. Cutting the end. Make sure there's an extra long stem. Cutting it shorter later if needed.

Another option for the filler. Considering that black roses cost around a hundred a dozen. I opted to use black silk flowers to be mixed in with the fresh mini white roses and mini carnations.

Step 4:

Make the bows.

I still struggle with these. My best advice, go to YouTube. Type in How to make a corsage bow. There are professionals that can explain it much better than I can even attempt to do. I constantly remind myself that the bows don't need to be perfect. I make 3-4 and pick the best one to go on top. the others get hidden behind flowers.

Step 5:

Start wrapping the fresh flowers.

I'm use mini white carnations, white roses, and daises. The carnations and daises where placed in blue water for a few days, giving it a striped effect.

First, I wrapped each flower with wire.

Then, I wrapped the wire with floral tape, covering the wire. This step gets repeated so much that by the end you feel like a pro.

Step 6:

Start clustering.
Taking the leaves, flowers, baby's breath, and accents. There's a little bit of playing with the design.  I used floral spray on the baby's breath for a light mist of color.

                       Play...

                      Play...

                    Play, until...

                        it's Perfect!

         Wrapping all of them together                     with floral tape.

          Step 7:

          Add a Bow or two.

Step 8:

Attaching it to the wrist band.

This was tricky for me, but it was fairly simple. Unwind the ribbon and  wrap it tightly around the base of the flowers. (Tie it with a knot.) The metal arms can be folded over around the flowers for extra strength.

  

Finished Product: 

They both turned out beautiful.

This project was lots of fun for me. It was a way for me to feel connected to my daughter at the same time feeling the gratitude I have for my mother teaching me.

Prepping For Prom

This week in our house is Prom. (It's kinda of late for the season.) We've been running around getting all the finishing touches done. Finding a tie to match her dress and of course a ribbon to match the tie.

So instead of the usually chaotic mom activities, my role will be a little different. I'll be playing the part of a florist this week. After several trips to Michael's, one to Safeway, to reserve some white roses, and a quick trip to Walmart (cause Michael's was closed) I think I'm ready to begin production. (crossing my fingers)

For some reason I thought it would be cheaper to make our own. I was wrong, but too late now. I have to keep reminding myself it will be personalized and won't look like she's growing an entire garden on her arm, like some of the ones I've seen. But I think it's all in my blood, which has been the only reason I feel like I can do this.

Growing up my mother was a wedding designer/coordinator. I can remember spending many long days at one church or another decorating everything from chairs, to tables, to hanging a humongous chandelier she was known for using.

Another talent she had was arranging flowers and making corsages. During all this hectic work she would take the time to show me how to make them along with her. I don't know if she was doing it to teach me or if she needed me to be helping, but I learned just by watching and sometimes making my own corsage from rejected ribbons and flowers pile.

So this week I wanted to have an extra blog post about the process of making my daughter's wrist corsage and her date's boutonniere. Hopefully they turn out well. (This time I can't cross my fingers, cause I have bows to make.) I'll have step by step photos of the progress as they're being made.

A Spark of Divine Fire

One of my favorite lines is from My fair Lady. When Professor Higgins realizes Eliza has left, not having her around any longer, hurts his feelings. He says, "Very well, let her go, I can do without her. I can do without anyone. I have my own soul! My own spark of divine fire!"

The reason I love this line so much is because I think sometimes it's forgotten while in the mud and muck of life we have the ability to pull ourselves out of what ever it is we've gotten into. It's about change and evolving into a better being.

I've watched and seem friends who keep repeating the past over and over again. So stuck in their own issues that they create one crisis to the next. Forgetting to take control of their life and run it the way they'd like it to be.

If you don't like your life or situation change it, the way you want it to be! It's that easy. The same way that crisis was created is the same way to get out.

Step by step, inch by inch, and line upon line. It's not going to change all at once, it takes time, patience, and persistence. But also a willingness to be open. If one thing doesn't work, try another, if that one doesn't work, think of another. I learned this from my fourth child.

He's unique and wired a different way. The parenting skills I learned from the others don't usually work with him. He needs different options, which result into different outcomes. Parenting a child like him has taught me to look at things in a different perspective. Seeing if that square peg can be changed, or completely getting rid of the round hole. Which ever the option is, making a list either mentally or physically of all the options can help. Asking friends and family what works for them? (Noting that you just want ideas- you don't have to actually do what they suggest.)

My son also taught me paying close attention to triggers can end a tantrum before it begins. Stopping it ahead of time before reaching that breaking point. I'm not endorsing giving them everything they desire, but distracting or guiding them (or ourselves) towards better solutions and options. Which then results in better outcomes. For better results, I learned I had to make a few changes in my own life, over what type of friends I was around.

I found that as I spent time with a certain friend that I was sucked into a negative and bitter attitude while being around her. We would start gossiping about others after we had nothing else to talk about. I'd walk away feeling so dark and icky that I'd bring it home and spread it out to my children. After this happening multiple times I realized I didn't want that type of balky atmosphere in my home.

If being a round a particular friend is exhausting; don't hang around them.  If that's not an option invite other friends to come along also. Another option is only allowing short visits with them and afterwards doing something that revitalizes you. Doing activities together that limit the interaction can also be a possibility.

My solution was limiting the time I spent with her. For those that think this was mean of me to do; I just wasn't strong enough to resist her venomous attitude and in return pass it out among those around me.  It could be considered a flaw in my character and to that I say- it's something I'm sure I'll get the another chance to work on. (cause if you mess up- life gives you multiple opportunities to get it right, and it keeps offering the opportunity until you succeed.)

I'd view my personality as a camelion. Being around positive people brings me to a better state. While negative ones tend to bring me to low places, I'd rather not be at. Finding the friends that build me up and keep me at a higher frequency of living are the friendships I've cherished most through out my life and continue to strive towards obtaining. Because everyone's spark of divine fire should be seen as it shines!

Is It OCD or Passion?

Being passionate about something is suppose to be a good thing right? But when passion consumes life is that OCD?(Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) I'm not sure what it actually means and maybe I'm being a little over dramatic, but having a dream that drives me to work on constantly can be all consuming. Which bring up the question; where does that leave a person?

At this time I feel I have more questions than answers when it comes to my writing. I know the type of writing I like and enjoy, but at the same time I want to get my writing noticed. This may come as a shock to some, but writing is not all the same.

Writing an article verses writing a story is completely different. Writing a blog and pouring out your inner thoughts can make one feel exposed, While writing a document can feel restrictive. It's very individualized, but a lot of the time it all gets lumped together in one label - Writing.

I'd compare it to exercise. If running is the favorite activity, than being in a belly dancing class may not interest some. While for me taking a dance class is my preference when it comes to running or walking.

The joke around my house is when my children found an old report card of mine from high school. Looking through the list of grades they noticed a D on it. Shocked that I had gotten such a lousy grade they asked, "Mom, how do you get a D in P.E?" My reply was simple, "you don't show up."

P.E would have had to been my kryptonite, I hated attending and participating in these types of sports.

Dodge ball- the worst sport ever invented- throwing a ball as someones head with the intent of hitting them- seems brutal to me. Getting smacked in the head by a speeding rubber ball, doesn't appeal to me.

Touch Football- Always starts out innocent, until the boys decide to change it into tackle the girl to the ground, either with the idea of  hurting them or groping them. Can anyone say sexual harassment?

Square Dancing- Although it being dancing (a plus) I seemed to always be partnered up with the one guy in the class who didn't bath or shower and didn't know much about hygiene.

For me P.E was a wasted class. I would have much more preferred a Jazzercise class (we didn't have Zumba yet) or step aerobics, than any of the previously mentioned activities. I realize the purpose of P.E was to teach us to stay active, but trying to make us all athletes was a little extreme.

I feel everyone is born for a specific purpose that only they can bring. I spent my twenties finding all the things I didn't like and learned the hard way too. In my thirties I've learned to be gentle to myself and give it time to develop into something, before deciding if it's not for me. And what ever you choose to give  the best you have to offer.

 Opening our eyes to what is available and seeing how intricate our world really is can be a very vital part to our inner soul. Realizing that passion, to one person is viewed as obsessive to another is also part of the experience. It's all about perception and finding what works for each individual, and knowing, "I'm Okay."
   

Designing a Proposal

When I got serious about writing I thought all I had to do was write a book. My first half decent book was a huge learning experience. I made tons of mistakes, just about every single one the professionals say not to do.  After several rewrites and revisions I realized I needed to put it aside. As much as I would love to get it published, I feel it's just not good enough and I need to work on an other book that haunted me more.

ReGeneration started out as a short story, but as I wrote the characters seemed to come alive and I couldn't help, but want to hear from them. As I worked on each character, they seemed to develop into a friendship. I got sucked into their world. Instead of leaving it a short story I needed to write. I had to know more about them and as I did I started to love even the villains. (after all they're just misunderstood)

Rewriting the story over and over has made me wonder if I'll ever feel it's complete? As my writing has changed and evolved so has my understanding of the business aspect for it. By now it's well known that I'm a class junkie. I take a lot of classes about writing and I look forward to taking more in my future. My latest class was about rewrites, but it also offered a business perspective towards the end.   

My fellow class mates and I worked on; themes, plots, narration, dialog, punctuation, self editing, format, and options for publishing.When we got into the business aspect I realized I knew very little about marketing. This is where writing a proposal came into view for me.

A proposal is a business plan for a agent.  Let's say, you wrote a query letter and an agent say's send me a summary. Instead of just a summary, make them realize you have a grasp on what they're looking for. Give them your Marketing plan with it. Basically that's all a proposal is. Letting them know, "I'm marketable."

For fiction a book proposal is four parts. Summary, market plan, bio, and sample chapters.

Summary- Tell them the story you wrote in short form. Even the ending, don't leave any surprises, but keep in entertaining. From 3-5 pages. (it's best to keep it short.)

Marketing Plan- Help them out by showing them how you plan to get your book to people. Statistics and ideas for promoting it can help them see your perspective. 1-2 pages

Bio- Who are you? What do you do? Why did your write this book? If you won a writing award write it down. Try to keep it about 1 page.

Sample Chapters- Put the first 2 or 3 chapters in. About 50 pages worth.

Of course this is all just suggestions, but realize that agents and publishers like it a certain way. (I think the word is orderly) Take this as a opportunity to move forward, even if they say, "thank you, but no-thank you." Every turn down(rejection) is a chance to learn and to become the better writer you already know you are, now you're job is to convince them.

The Top 10 Items You Need as a Writer

One of my favorite things is writing lists, especially a checklist. I enjoy being organized and structured, to a limit. As a mother there's only so much structure I'm able to stick with.  I think lists give me this opportunity, attempting to keep order in my life even though I can't seem to keep too much of it in my home. Or maybe it's because it gives me a chance to mark off each item and feel like I've accomplished some major goal I'd set out to do.  Which ever it is, I wanted to post a list to my blog. This is my checklist that every writer needs in order to be successful in their writing.

Top 10 Items Every Writer Needs

1. Computer
Most homes have at least one, but to tip the mark in your favor - I recommend a laptop. Moving to another room when the children are being noisy can help, or sitting outside on the deck can give you a change of atmosphere.

2. Desk
Having a designated spot to sit at can help begin to set up a schedule for writing.

3. Comfortable Chair
I can't stress this enough. After having a problem with my sciatica, I realized how important this really was. Spending the money on a big cushiony computer chair is well worth every penny.

4. Second Computer Screen 
When I first got serious about writing I didn't have a second screen. Flipping back and forth from one document to another or searching the internet for info, proved to be tedious. Now with a second screen viewing different documents like a character bio and the story doc at the same time have gotten a lot easier, especially with editing.

5. Designated Time
This was a huge help for me. Setting aside a specific time each day for writing really helped take my writing to a whole new level. Even if there are days when I only write 600 words down. I find it helpful to get into a routine and at least show up. (Also don't take phone calls during this time.) Some days I strike gold and some days I don't. How will I know which day it is if I don't show up?

6. Notebook
A small notebook that I carry with me at all times. When an idea hits, I have a notebook instead of a napkin to write it on; which helps keep me organized. Then on the days that I'm struggling to write a sentence,  I pull out the notebook and write about something I've jotted down. More of my scenes have come from spit second thoughts I just scribbled quickly in the notebook.

7. Dictionary
I use the free ones online. Mainly, because my typing is much faster than flipping through a book. Dictionary.com & Urban Dictionary.com

8. Thesaurus
Frankly using the same words over and over in my writing becomes droll. A Thesaurus can help breathe new life into a simple sentence. Thesaurus.com & freethesaurus.net are two versions I use.

9. ipod
I find music to help me set the tone. If there's a specific character who's hard to write about, playing the right kind of music can really help me focus on their personality. I even have playlists named after some of my characters.

10. An Idea
I've said this many times already, but it's truly something I live by. Daydream, think about an idea. If  Jack & Jill went up the hill, what was their motivation? Where they thirsty? Was it hot out? What if there was a hole in to bucket? Maybe Jack threw water on Jill and she actually pushed him or tripped him? Who knows, it could have been anything, but that's where it's up to you as the writer to fill in the blanks.

As a writer in reality all you need is an idea and a way to write it. If it's pen and paper or a new ipad 2, it doesn't really matter all that matters is that you write it down.

If there's something you can't live without when you write, post a comment and add to the list, maybe we could get the list to 15 things or even 20.

Laundry Sucks!

I don't know many mothers that enjoy cleaning and folding laundry, but I definitely have to agree with the title: Laundry Sucks!
The stuff is never ending to reappears faster than you can clean it and so in an attempt to make it manageable I dedicated a poem to it.

Laundry is...
a dirty word.
I find it,
completely absurd.

You wash and fold,
and clean some more.
Then find another,
pile on the floor.

The clothes that were;
once clean and pressed.
Sit on the side in a,
big sloppy mess.

Spraying the spots,
with Shout or Tide.
Hoping that none of them;
will sneak on by. 

Even lady Macbeth,
was plagued by spots.
Crazed by the guilt;
that a few of them brought.

Unless we go naked,
there's nothing to do.
But wash and fold;
every last load.

From a Card Game to a Boxing Match

Last week I talked about writing being a game for me. But what happens if, while playing a game other players start tearing up your cards in order for them to win.
Wasn't it just a game? When did it turn from a game of cards to an all out boxing match?

As a writer I work and socialize with other writers, but when some of those writers start to stomp all over me in order to build themselves up, how do you tell them, "I don't want to work with you any more?"

I'm the first to admit that I have room to grow and learn, of course there's always room for improvement. But supporting other writers instead of squashing them should be every writer's alternative ambition.

It's been my experience to find more supportive editors and agents than fellow writers while muddling through the process.

So in order to inform and support my fellow writers. I'm going to explain the difference between jobs and what they each do.(There's a whole alternate world when it comes to writing and publishing. And we need to know all about the process and how things work.)


1. A writer- Someone who uses words to tell a story.(You & me.)

2. Writing Coach- A person/professional who helps instructs, tutors, trains, and cheers on a writer with the writing process.(If you understand the concept of beginning, middle, and end. Know how to build character, can structure sentences, and have an outline/plot. Have written over three drafts and did a major rewrite on you story. You probably don't need a coach.) Other names: Developmental editor, Bookdoctor.

3. Proofreading Editor- A professional who corrects, identifies, standard grammar, punctuation, and usage in a completed manuscript. (You've written a solid story. It has all the components of a story and now needs a polish in order to make it shine brighter.)

4. Copy Editor- A  professional who proofreads, checks for grammar, spelling, syntax, word usage, styles, formatting, consistency, and clarity. They cross-check references made in the manuscript. (It's a second polishing.) AKA; LineEditor

5. Agent- a person who represents an author in dealing with a publisher.(The professional we send our query letters to.)


6. Publisher- A person/company who prints and distribute printed material. (The almighty one.)

So there we have it. It's all about the step by step process when it comes to writing and we all work at our own pace. My hope is that we support each other in our endeavors and when we can't - be quiet.

Holly Lisle quoted, "If you're doing what you love and you're happy doing it, no one else's success affects you at all."

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Five Tips for Taming the Snarling Writing Beast

Surviving the negative feedback as a writer is all part of the game. I guess comparing it to a game makes it feel less of a conflict than the actual bitter harsh truth.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't like your story." Or "It's too controversial." are just two of the negative comments I've heard about my novels, while completely zoning out the twenty or so who've liked it. Dwelling on the two who didn't like it makes me wonder, "What am I doing wrong?" In order to carry on I've had to change a few few things about myself.

The awful truth is not everyone will like what I've written. There will be times when you feel alone and isolated by the hurtful, nasty, and all consuming ouchie comments.  But surviving it and (pardon the term) licking the wounds will be part of the process.

Five Tips for Taming the Snarling Writing Beast:

1.) You can't win them all. Even your most trusted friends or family may be the toughest critics. Realizing they want you to succeed and are trying to help, can make you see things clearly and help from biting off their heads. Focus on the positive and stop thinking about the two that didn't like it.

2.)  Not everyone can Edit. Editing is a unique skill. Some people think they know what there doing, but really aren't helping you at all. Finding the right type of editor can make or break a manuscript. I suggest finding a professional or asking a English teacher to look it over.

3.) It's okay to be hurt, it's not okay to give up. There will be days where the question, "why am I even doing this?" comes up. For me I couldn't help myself, if I tried. I'm a writer it's what I do. Even on those bad days, I still get up and write something - if it's only a paragraph or two.

4.) Give me pep talk #3. My husband is my biggest supporter. When I'm going through a hard time, or feeling low I call him up and say, "I need a pep talk." He's gotten so good at them that I can actually specify the type I need. (I probably should label them.) Having a good supportive friend who's cheering me on lightens the grueling setbacks.

5.) Be a dreamer. If you don't dream it then how will you know what you want? I dream about being published. I've made up my own business cards, I've practiced how I'd sign my name. I buy clothing I can imagine wearing at a book signing or reading. I figure if  I'm ready and project myself to be that way, then all at once the stars will aline, looking like I just walked right in without any effort. (Cause all the works been done.)

I'd like to hear some of the ways you tame the writing beast, or any internal beast for that matter. Leave a comment below on some tips or ideas that have worked for you.

3 Ways I Survived Spring Break

With the kids all home from spring break I needed a break!

As much as I love and adore being with them, I also find that I've grown accustomed to having them at school. Gone are the days where I changed diapers, hourly feedings, and have to sit down and rock them to sleep. (While going through it I loved every minute a lot of it, but I enjoy them more, the older they get.)

I have to say that spring break can really wear down a parent. Hearing I'm bored 3 times a day, multiplied by five can make you want to scream. (repeat: I am calm and relaxed...om.) So in order to cope with all of it I decided to take a time for me.

First on the list: Get a Mani/Pedi. It's a must. It fills me back up and makes me feel as though I can handle just about anything as long as it doesn't chip my nail or mess up the pretty little flower resting on my toe. (I love getting a design on my big toes, it's like little works of art you wear.)

Second on my list: Go to the Park. Make them tired, so they can't whine, complain, or fight. (being a referee makes me feel exhausted and tired. I think a diversion might be the thing we'll all need.)

The last thing on my list: Go on a Date. Of course, with my hubby. I love spending time with him. I love eating out, just to know you're eating something anyone else cooked, and not hearing, "I don't like meatloaf."(Although the one complaining  likes meatballs.  I haven't told him I use the same recipe for them both, minus the ground sausage. Weird kid!)

I think I'll even buy myself a nice creamy chocolate bar to push it right over the top, going from survival to indulgence.

April Showers, Bring...

More rain. Living in the Pacific Northwest can become very daunting when it comes to the beginning of spring. After it's been raining for the last two months. February and March end, and along comes April - to keep the rain pouring down.

Although we do tend to get glimpses of a shiny bright orb(Which is hard to identify with, because we so little of it.) abundantly pouring down light into our gray skies, tall evergreens, and six inch deep puddles. I have to wonder when it will all stop and actually become tolerable? I can say it loudly and proudly...I'm sick of the rain.

I keep thinking of the childhood song, Rain, Rain, go away...

I'll Keep The Wrinkles

  Now in my late 30's I'm starting to gain a sense of self. The older I get the better life seems to become. I know a lot of people would take back their teenage bodies if they could, but I have to say I wouldn't. Honestly.

   Yes, my body isn't perfect and thin like it had once been, and stretchmarks from childbirth are apparent, however the knowledge I've gained as I've grown up, is worth every wrinkle and stretchmark I have. I feel a sense of pride with them, maybe even wearing them like a badge of honor.

   As a Teenager I felt so conflicted to who I was and what I wanted. I was gangly,  awkward, and confused. I hated high school. Especially because of the social ramifications that existed and I had much bigger dreams than where permitted in the classroom. I found school too restrictive to my personality.

   For example I was constantly in trouble for daydreaming. I don't even remember how many detentions I earned for "not paying attention."  I also was sent to the school councilor for a possible learning disorder. (Which came up inconclusive, and instead I was labeled a slacker.)

   My teen years were not the high point of my life, for me life didn't come into focus until the birth of my children and even then, it was fuzzy at times. I learned so much from watching my children grow and mature and I still learn from them on a daily basis.

   At the age of 19, I decided to marry and become a mother, by twenty two I was divorced with two children, with nothing but a high school diploma. I realized things needed to change and I was responsible for making them change, so I enrolled in college and moved back to my parents house. Can anyone say humble pie?

   Although things didn't turn out the way I had planned, (never did get that college degree I wanted) a year later I met and married a great guy that took on the responsibility of two children. Together we had three more children and have been married 14 years. It hasn't always been easy or perfect, but we're still in love with each other and he's my best friend.

   By the way I still day dream, as a writer it's necessary. However in school no one ever told me it was okay  to do. Or for that matter there was even a useful purpose for it. Instead I had to learn that one on my own.

   Life has an interesting way of teaching you exactly what you need to learn. It's almost like it was tailor made for you. So if there's any teenagers out there that think life sucks, I just want them to know, it does.(At least for now.) But becoming an adult can be a very liberating and exciting. I'm not sure if I'm even there yet? I'm still working on it, even though the wrinkles have replaced the confusion I use to feel.

In her head

Life's Guilty Pleasures and Terrible Pit Falls

If there's one thing I love above anything else, it's writing, but even a writer can not live by pen and paper alone. (Rewriting scripture, is that blasphemy?)

Although I wish I could keep it that simple.  As a mother of five I'm constantly pushed and pulled in different directions. My question is, when troubles arise,(cause they always do) why is our first reaction to fight it instead, seeing the lesson that can be learned?

I think the Universe moves us in the directions we're meant to go, but do we listen?
We can punch at the bricks all we want, but in the end we'll end up with bruised and bloody knuckles.

Instead of fighting it, what if we found an alternative way around that obstacle?
Could that simple shift in energy make me get further faster? Or any of us for that matter?

I run across people so stuck in their own ways,(we all have, you know the type.)  they're not willing to try something new or give change a chance. What's the fear? Failure?

In sixth grade I had my teacher Mrs. Moore, tell me, "the real failure was not trying." I took that to heart, I still live by that rule. I love trying something new. A food I've never tasted, a place I've never been, a pair of shoes that are funky.(I love my Naughty Monkeys) I like the unusual, I embrace it especially in others.

I've tried so many different things in my life that I ended up hating. What I did learn was, I don't like water skiing, my face being pulled along a violent blanket of water was not fun. I'm not patient enough to learn the piano, and reading music is like learning a foreign  language.

The things I learned I loved doing; I enjoy dancing, is a huge part of my weekly workout. ( GO ZUMBA!) I think Chocolate is a precious gift from the Gods, especially See's Chocolates. And last I love learning about improving, on about anything; cooking, cleaning, writing, you name it, I find it fascinating to lean on many, many different things.

In the end we all have tried things that we loved and some we hated. What were some for you and what did you learn from the experience? I think that's the most important part, the value we get out of it.

I Believe in True Love!

This topic will probably never be brought up again, because the subject of love is my most guarded prize. I'm a bit stingy when it comes to talking about it, because I believe in it so deeply and cherish what I have.

Fourteen Years ago I started dating the love of my life and married him in eight short months. I was completely head over heals in love with him. He was patient and kind to me and who doesn't love a guy who listens when you talk? To me he was literally a breath of fresh air and I couldn't get enough and still can't.

I knew in a matter of weeks, I wanted to marry him. He was smart, witty, and did I mention he listens. For me this was a deal breaker. I don't even remember how many guys I'd dated who didn't listen or just made decisions for me. I didn't like that, especially after being in a abusive and controlling first marriage.

My Hubby, Ken is and was nothing like your typical A-sexual male. He was thirty years old, had a engineering degree, a job, and knew where he was going. Several of the guys I'd dated didn't have half that quality. One guy in particular's biggest goal in life was to be a UPS driver. (yeah, not exactly the pick of the litter.)

Ken had bigger dreams and he wanted more out of life when it came to his career and family. I was a single mother at the time and thought my options were limited, because what type of guy wants to be a parent to someone else's kids?

To my astonishment, he did. He was more than willing to help raise my two girls. Later he even got the opportunity to adopt them. Every time he's stepped up and shown me what a real man is like and several times I've been floored by how willing he was to take on so much responsibility.( Five kids, being one of them.)

I'd grown up with a good father that did those things for me and my siblings, but when I went out and started dating I found not a lot of guys had much to offer in terms of responsibility. Ken was definitely a keeper.

And some how in the Mormon world  he'd stayed single for so long. (Most are married by the age of 22-25.) I was amazed that such a catch had stayed single. Of course I was more than willing to snatch him up and keep him for myself. He was worth the effort and I had no intention of letting him go and still don't.

After so many years of marriage with him I've learned a great deal from watching him. He's taught me to shut up and listen once in awhile.(Although he'd never say it like that.)
Silence is good, cause sometimes completely random answers come to you without even knowing what  the question was.

Ken taught me it's okay to not know. Sometimes I'd feel stupid for not knowing the answer. He's known for saying, "So what if you don't know that, everyone can't know everything." (See what I mean with being patient.)

And last he taught me that true love does exist. After fourteen years of marriage you can still be in love with the same person and not only that, but you can still like being around them. (He's the first person I think to call when anything good or bad comes my way.) I look forward to spending time with him and yes, especially talking with him cause he's a great listener.

Final Count Down!

Here it is already March and My oldest will be graduating in May. I'm so excited! I know that a lot of mom's dread having their children grow up and leave, but it's that the reason we raised them? To grow up, leave home, and make their own way in this world.

I know I did a good job raising her. She's a good kid with excellent grades, no  record, (not even a ticket) and she has good friends. My only concern...screwing up and marring the wrong guy, like I did.

My first marriage was awful. He was abusive, mean, controlling, the list is long. I being the spitfire I was and still am, definitely added to an already tumultuous relationship. But with years of therapy, I learned it's never okay to hit a spouse.

The current question that's plagued me,  when it's self defense is it considered abuse?

In my first marriage I never hit him first, but after a year into it I got tired of being slapped, pushed, shoved against walls and spit at. So I started to fight back. First with words, than with my fist.

Of course the abuse grew worse and I felt trapped, until he grew bored and found another girl who was willing to take his crap. At first I was hurt, but quickly realized my prayers had been answered and I had a way out of my personal hell.

It was thrilling to find myself. I was not the same person I had once been, but I found a new me. A much stronger me, a girl who believed in true love and a woman who was able to take care of her children with or without a man by my side.

During that time I healed. I learned about myself. The me who'd been stripped away little by little, first by how I was allowed to dress, then by what I was allowed to do, and finally how I was allowed to act. He manipulated me taking pieces of me bit by bit until I had no idea who I was any more. And I willingly gave it to him, because I thought love was about sacrifice.(Yea, I know, it sounds pathetic.)

I needed to rediscover my likes and dislikes and find happiness again. One thing I learned about myself, I love sunsets. In my tiny two bedroom apartment on the wrong side of town I found pleasure in watching sunsets. Many evenings I sat on the front balcony, of that cold cement building watching the sunset in Concord, California. I loved it.

Sometimes I would go to my bedroom and watch the colors dance across the wall, highlighted by the shadow of a large oak tree which swayed back and forth. I slowly found peace in the that low income, nineteen fifties style apartment.

I know my daughter's smarter than I ever was at that time, but I think part of parenting is that we sometimes transfer our own fears onto our children. So chances are she's learned more from my mistake than I did. My real fear isn't that she won't get divorced or go through a bad relationship or two, but that she'll be unhappy.

Isn't that worse to a parent than anything; watching our children in pain?

Boredom + Teenager = Creative Activity

I'm a day dreamer, always have been. I also am the mother of five. (no, that's not a typo.) I love my children dearly and enjoy all the fun and excitement they bring into my life. I especially love teenagers. (yep, teenagers.) I know they can be a handful and completely exhausting, but the creativity they bring is absolutely amazing.

I thoroughly LOVE the blue hair!

A recent one I heard, "Mom, I'm not going to make curfew, cause of traffic. There's an accident on the road, but I wanted to call you so you knew I was okay. Just so you know, I wasn't in it, but because of it, I'm going to be a little late."

Priceless. Just to know they're so caring and concerned for my worrying. (However, leaving out the fact that they just left five minutes ago and it takes ten to get home.)

See what I mean, creative. I know that teenagers aren't all perfect little angels, but I also know they aren't all delinquents and hell-raisers looking for trouble every time they head out the door.

I personally feel boredom is the key ingredient for trouble. I know for me, it was a major factor in my "teenage creative activities."

Here's an example: I was fifteen years old and my brother and I decided to walk over to some local friends...at 12:30 am! Taking a shortcut through the dark and  creepy elementary school grounds (during summer break) then continuing on to our friend's house.

I don't remember what we did or why we even went out, but once we got home, the window we'd crawled out of was closed and locked!
We tried all the other windows, the sliding back door, the side door, and even the front door. All completely locked!

Mom, had figured out what we'd been up to and being the woman she was, she decided to teach us a lesson. Whether it was 2 in the morning or not.

We were forced to knock on the front door (knowing full well, she was waiting for us on the other side) hoping she'd let us in. (BUSTED!)
At that time she didn't lecture us or read us the riot act, but simply said.

"Next time you decide to sneek out, let me know where you're going."

I think that shocked me more than anything. She was so calm about the entire thing.
That was the last time I snuck out, she'd taken all the fun out of it. Looking back on it as an adult, I think that was her point.

I'm not sure if that type of parenting would go over well, at least now days, but it worked really well for me.

My parents gave us (me and my 7 siblings) a lot of room for mistakes, but they also used guilt as a deadly weapon. Typically the guilt would eat at me more that the transgression and I'd end up never doing it again or breaking down and telling them what it was I'd done.

Now having 2 teenagers and three more to come, I'm not sure if giving them room for mistakes is a healthy option or ruling with an iron fist is better? Maybe it depends on the type of kid you have?
I have learned...one way parenting, doesn't fit all children. What works with one may not work for another and in order to survive the teen years sometimes changes must be made.

What do you think? Do you think parenting skills need to evolve for some kids more than others? Or should a standard be set and never changed?