Family Drama: Choosing to be Happy instead of Being Right

Everyday we make a choice whether we're aware of it or not. Most people, myself included have fallen into a repetitive trap we struggle to get out of, once we've realized we're in it. The trap is deciding that we're right, no matter the consequences. Being right or being happy is that trade off.


The way I've fallen into this trap is with my siblings. As a 37 year old woman, time and time again I find myself unable to handle being around them. Growing up in a large family as one of the youngest I have always struggled to be heard. (Probably why I'm a writer.) Being told to shush or grow up by my older sibling has been the norm for me. However, in the last seven years I have begun to speak up and stand my ground to be heard.

Unfortunately, it's come at a price. I've been labeled as a trouble maker. Instead of listening to the little sister who's now not afraid to speak up a full blown war has begun. The sibling rivalry has changed into an all our battle for power. Party because I won't cower to them any longer and partly because I allowed them to dominate over me for far too long.

I realize I created my situation by allowing them to speak for me at family meetings and functions. Not saying anything when I don't agree with their views or keeping quiet instead of standing up when criticism was given. Usually, I would suppress any of the anger I was feeling towards them. Seven years ago for reasons unknown to me I no longer could suppress it any longer. Instead of dealing with it in a healthy way I began exploding and leaving bitter feeling of resentment all over. So, now being aware of the problem and want things to change.  I now have to find a better path for myself.

As you already know I believe in change and with that change I've decided I don't need to be right, I'd rather be happy. In order to make a difference I'm moving forward and learning better coping skills for dealing with family members. Especially, the control freaks who feel they need to tell me how to live. I don't like being controlled, which stems from being in an abusive first marriage. (Only around some, do I get sucked down into this negative and toxic cycle of destructive behavior.)

In my family there are only three who are the big hitters, who are the dominating ones, that must be right at all costs. The rest of the siblings are willing to listen and take others feelings into account. Realizing this I know that for now I'll have to stay away from them until I've learned some very strong coping skills. 

Instead of dealing with the hard hitting family members, I'm going to work with those that are less contentious and troubling. Baby steps. The progress will most likely be slow and bumpy, but I'm willing to try. I'm not expecting everything to be prefect or that we'll all end hugging it out, but we may start building some  boundaries that we can work with.

Families can bring so much drama and heartache. Since I'm on this journey right now, I would love to know how others out there have learned how to deal with family drama. What are the skills that have worked? How would you handle family contention?

Guest Spot Jamie McCormick

Today's blog is inspired by another type of rebel. Jami McCormick is a creative strategist whose blog Jamiemacthinks.blogspot.com is an inspiring reminder that encouragement is a beautiful gift anyone can give and actually showing it to others can prove to be productive. 

  

Get Your Encouragement & Validation On

In jest, I mashed up a couple lines from The Birdcage for a Facebook post yesterday: “Is it too much to ask for one hint of encouragement, one scrap of validation?” In all sincerity I was kidding.  I was met with two types of responses: Jokes and serious advice and concern for my need for support. Okay, after I had a good laugh – I took a moment to pause and think about our innate human need for encouragement and validation. I have no answer as to why we need it and I am not willing to seek out research to support that statement. You’ll just have to take my word for it.

Most of us with some modicum of a soul have a need for said encouragement and validation. It doesn’t matter if it is for an academic achievement, professional stone stepping or what what’s from our partner. We need it. It is important to communicate with the people around you when you recognize what they are doing or what they mean to you. With my kids, for instance, no matter how much they try to drive me to the brink of mental destruction, when they do something good or need a reminder that they are loved – I dish it out family style.

In a professional capacity, I make it a point to give credit where credit is due. I think it is safe to say that most of us feel like we work way too hard for what we earn, so professional kudos are exceptionally important. Even our friends, family and random strangers need a boost now and again. The key is to learn when it is needed. If you say to someone every day, “You’re doing a great job,” as you pass by their workspace without noticing what it is they are actually doing, it becomes disingenuous and let’s face it, meaningless. There’s a little bit of work involved in recognizing the need for accolades and acknowledgement in others. It’s called being engaged in the process.

Blowing smoke up someone’s proverbial arse isn’t going to help anyone; it will eventually make you look like a clueless idiot. So, how do we become engaged in the process of encouraging and validating the people in our sphere? Most important is opening up some dialogue and listening. Talk to the people around you, figure out what they are doing – follow their progress (not like a stalker, just pay attention). If your BFF is posting her progress as she works toward a fitness goal on Facebook, read her posts. You don’t have to respond to each one but when you do; give up well thought out words of encouragement.

Now, we all know I don’t give out relationship advice publicly; it’s just not my forte. I will say this about that though, especially in an increasingly visible society, where our laundry both dirty and clean may end up being seen by hundreds if not thousands and millions of curious eyes– for crying out loud, let the person in your life know they mean more to you than some semi-anonymous individual hailing from the Cloud. I have several friends complaining about this very thing. It just isn’t that hard to say somebody means something to you without making a public display of it. Mind you, I am someone who even after being in a relationship for a year and a half never changed my status on my Facebook. I’m sure there was a little subconscious sting in that for my partner. I learned my lesson and may do different if a next time rolls around.

To bring this thing to a close, this week I am going to do a better job of recognizing when someone near me needs a pat on the back or just a nod to their importance in my life. For you, maybe you will pick one or two people that you can offer some validation and/or encouragement to. Open up your listening ears and focus those reading eyes. Get engaged in what the people around you need. Believe it or not, that goodness will come back to you tenfold. Best for a week of being the support in someone else’s life and feeling good about the contribution you make to their successes.

Life Lessons from the Wash

Today was my oldest's high school graduation. I guess I should be sentimental about the mile stone, but then again that wouldn't be me. Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for all the work she's set forth and for all she's accomplished in her life, but talking about the way she use to be isn't really my style. For me it's about enjoying the moment.

Of course, I think about the fact that she use to be a kid, but dwelling on it and mourning it like it's a loss isn't my way of living. I raised her to be independent. From the age of 5 my children start doing their own laundry. It may sound extreme, but it's been my experience that they do it well even at such a young age. Separating their clothes into piles, having them fill the washer is all part of the process. (Typically, I help with the measuring of the soap and spotting the stains, until they're use to it.) Switching the clothes from the washer to the dryer and folding them is also sanctioned as their job.

I think having them start so young has also makes them feel comfortable with accomplishments. Yes, even laundry can teach a child a few things about life.

Lesson 1: If you want something done, do it yourself. If your clothes are dirty, get up and clean them. This can also translate into being in control of your own life. How it turns out is completely up to yourself. 

Lesson 2: Mistakes are inevitable. Over filling the washer, missing a stain on a shirt, or dying your white underwear pink, cause it got washed with your new shirt, can be teaching moments. ( I did this in 6th grade.) Lucky for me, dying my undies wasn't too tragic, but learning to live with pinkish underwear was my reminder, taking a little extra time, just to be safe, is always worth the effort.

Lesson 3: Knowing you have, the know how. Sometimes, when we don't think we can, we find out, we really can. Showing them how to do it on their own can lead them towards trying something new on their own.  For me, knowing I'm crafty has helped me try several different projects. The latest was gluing a tear in a leather couch, after hearing how expensive it would be to repair. (cough, cough) And having accomplished so much in the past like; laying some bricks, build a corsage, and mending a torn sweater all helped me realize that fixing a couch wasn't so far out of my comfort zone.

I feel even the smallest life lessons, like children doing their own laundry or having a cooking night (another one, we regularly implement around here.) can be some of the simplest ways we teach our children about the bigger world beyond home life.

"The Corsage"

A Jack-of- all-trades is also a huge part of being a mom. Getting sucked into the idea that we have to do it all can be a slippery slope, because usually we're doing it all. Baking cookies with sprinkles, decorating ornate cupcakes, throwing a themed party, mending a tear in their favorite shirt is only scratching the surface of the job description for being a mom. Lucky for me I've always been crafty, which has saved our family tons of money. Having five children makes me always searching for a good deal and a cheaper way. However this time I didn't end up saving much money, but am able to personalize my daughter's prom corsage and boutonniere. (Next time around I'll have everything and will actually be saving money.)

Pausing for a moment from the writing as I demonstrate the step by step process of making corsages.

Step 1:

Get all the Stuff!

Floral wire, Floral tape, ribbon, wrislet, floral spays, tin snips, wire cutters, and flowers. (Corsage box & crinkled paper.)

Step 2:

Start making all the fillers.

I spray painted the beads black.

Wrapped a few flowers and ribbons with wire and floral tape.

Wrapping the flowers or ribbons with wire gives them the ability to be flexible and stand upright. The floral tape hides the wire and also will stick to it's self as it stretches.

Step 3:

Tape some together.

 I test out different accents together until I get the exact look I'm wanting. When I have them picked out I start wrapping the floral tape around the the two stems until they're completely covered. Cutting the end. Make sure there's an extra long stem. Cutting it shorter later if needed.

Another option for the filler. Considering that black roses cost around a hundred a dozen. I opted to use black silk flowers to be mixed in with the fresh mini white roses and mini carnations.

Step 4:

Make the bows.

I still struggle with these. My best advice, go to YouTube. Type in How to make a corsage bow. There are professionals that can explain it much better than I can even attempt to do. I constantly remind myself that the bows don't need to be perfect. I make 3-4 and pick the best one to go on top. the others get hidden behind flowers.

Step 5:

Start wrapping the fresh flowers.

I'm use mini white carnations, white roses, and daises. The carnations and daises where placed in blue water for a few days, giving it a striped effect.

First, I wrapped each flower with wire.

Then, I wrapped the wire with floral tape, covering the wire. This step gets repeated so much that by the end you feel like a pro.

Step 6:

Start clustering.
Taking the leaves, flowers, baby's breath, and accents. There's a little bit of playing with the design.  I used floral spray on the baby's breath for a light mist of color.

                       Play...

                      Play...

                    Play, until...

                        it's Perfect!

         Wrapping all of them together                     with floral tape.

          Step 7:

          Add a Bow or two.

Step 8:

Attaching it to the wrist band.

This was tricky for me, but it was fairly simple. Unwind the ribbon and  wrap it tightly around the base of the flowers. (Tie it with a knot.) The metal arms can be folded over around the flowers for extra strength.

  

Finished Product: 

They both turned out beautiful.

This project was lots of fun for me. It was a way for me to feel connected to my daughter at the same time feeling the gratitude I have for my mother teaching me.

Prepping For Prom

This week in our house is Prom. (It's kinda of late for the season.) We've been running around getting all the finishing touches done. Finding a tie to match her dress and of course a ribbon to match the tie.

So instead of the usually chaotic mom activities, my role will be a little different. I'll be playing the part of a florist this week. After several trips to Michael's, one to Safeway, to reserve some white roses, and a quick trip to Walmart (cause Michael's was closed) I think I'm ready to begin production. (crossing my fingers)

For some reason I thought it would be cheaper to make our own. I was wrong, but too late now. I have to keep reminding myself it will be personalized and won't look like she's growing an entire garden on her arm, like some of the ones I've seen. But I think it's all in my blood, which has been the only reason I feel like I can do this.

Growing up my mother was a wedding designer/coordinator. I can remember spending many long days at one church or another decorating everything from chairs, to tables, to hanging a humongous chandelier she was known for using.

Another talent she had was arranging flowers and making corsages. During all this hectic work she would take the time to show me how to make them along with her. I don't know if she was doing it to teach me or if she needed me to be helping, but I learned just by watching and sometimes making my own corsage from rejected ribbons and flowers pile.

So this week I wanted to have an extra blog post about the process of making my daughter's wrist corsage and her date's boutonniere. Hopefully they turn out well. (This time I can't cross my fingers, cause I have bows to make.) I'll have step by step photos of the progress as they're being made.

A Spark of Divine Fire

One of my favorite lines is from My fair Lady. When Professor Higgins realizes Eliza has left, not having her around any longer, hurts his feelings. He says, "Very well, let her go, I can do without her. I can do without anyone. I have my own soul! My own spark of divine fire!"

The reason I love this line so much is because I think sometimes it's forgotten while in the mud and muck of life we have the ability to pull ourselves out of what ever it is we've gotten into. It's about change and evolving into a better being.

I've watched and seem friends who keep repeating the past over and over again. So stuck in their own issues that they create one crisis to the next. Forgetting to take control of their life and run it the way they'd like it to be.

If you don't like your life or situation change it, the way you want it to be! It's that easy. The same way that crisis was created is the same way to get out.

Step by step, inch by inch, and line upon line. It's not going to change all at once, it takes time, patience, and persistence. But also a willingness to be open. If one thing doesn't work, try another, if that one doesn't work, think of another. I learned this from my fourth child.

He's unique and wired a different way. The parenting skills I learned from the others don't usually work with him. He needs different options, which result into different outcomes. Parenting a child like him has taught me to look at things in a different perspective. Seeing if that square peg can be changed, or completely getting rid of the round hole. Which ever the option is, making a list either mentally or physically of all the options can help. Asking friends and family what works for them? (Noting that you just want ideas- you don't have to actually do what they suggest.)

My son also taught me paying close attention to triggers can end a tantrum before it begins. Stopping it ahead of time before reaching that breaking point. I'm not endorsing giving them everything they desire, but distracting or guiding them (or ourselves) towards better solutions and options. Which then results in better outcomes. For better results, I learned I had to make a few changes in my own life, over what type of friends I was around.

I found that as I spent time with a certain friend that I was sucked into a negative and bitter attitude while being around her. We would start gossiping about others after we had nothing else to talk about. I'd walk away feeling so dark and icky that I'd bring it home and spread it out to my children. After this happening multiple times I realized I didn't want that type of balky atmosphere in my home.

If being a round a particular friend is exhausting; don't hang around them.  If that's not an option invite other friends to come along also. Another option is only allowing short visits with them and afterwards doing something that revitalizes you. Doing activities together that limit the interaction can also be a possibility.

My solution was limiting the time I spent with her. For those that think this was mean of me to do; I just wasn't strong enough to resist her venomous attitude and in return pass it out among those around me.  It could be considered a flaw in my character and to that I say- it's something I'm sure I'll get the another chance to work on. (cause if you mess up- life gives you multiple opportunities to get it right, and it keeps offering the opportunity until you succeed.)

I'd view my personality as a camelion. Being around positive people brings me to a better state. While negative ones tend to bring me to low places, I'd rather not be at. Finding the friends that build me up and keep me at a higher frequency of living are the friendships I've cherished most through out my life and continue to strive towards obtaining. Because everyone's spark of divine fire should be seen as it shines!